Car Talk with Your Kids
In my group of mom friends, I’m known as the Teen Whisperer. “My son told you more when you gave him a ride to the orthodontist than when I drive him anywhere,” declared a mom of a fellow teen. Another friend concurred by saying she was impressed that her normally quiet middle schooler had so much to say when I gave him a ride to school one day. My circle of friends think I have a magical ability to get their kids to open up but to be honest, the car has always been one of my favorite places to talk to my own two kids.
Whether we’re on a road trip or running an errand, there’s something different about conversations that happen in the car. Being encapsulated in a vehicle makes kids feel more relaxed as they listen to music and watch the world go by. Not having to make eye contact with you helps too!
You don’t have to be a Teen Whisperer to get your own kids to open up and talk. As a mom of two college students with many years of parenting experience and miles in my rearview mirror, here are some of my tried-and-true strategies for car talks with my kids.
Break the Ice, Then Listen
It’s ok to use something you heard from a fellow parent, current event, ad on the radio, or show you’ve recently watched together to break the ice. Other times you may just want to focus on the road, listen and let your kid drive the conversation.
Years ago, child psychologist and author Dr. Anthony Wolf told me that the number one complaint he heard from kids is that parents don’t listen. Dr. Wolf’s advice to “shut up and listen” has always stuck with me. He also recommended not criticizing or correcting kids when they’re talking since this can lead to immediate silence and often prevents them from opening up to you in the future.
Mix it Up
Car rides don’t always have to be the time for serious conversations. I like to mix things up by using the time to check in with them, hear their perspectives, or just ride together in silence. The last thing you want to do is make the car a place where all serious conversations happen. It’s good to balance light topics with serious ones and enjoy the quiet time, too.
Be Willing to Learn
The topics for car talks are endless, especially when they’re inspired by kids who just start talking about anything and everything. Not being an expert on everything our kids know is ok and it models being vulnerable and open to new ideas. Use your time in the car to learn. Ask them to tell you more and soak up their knowledge. They’ll relish the role of knowing more than you and being your teacher!
There may also be times when a subject comes up that neither you nor your child is an expert on, and they can only find out so much by Googling from the passenger seat. It’s ok to acknowledge your lack of knowledge and investigate together later.
Share the Facts
During your conversations, you may have to dispel myths, rumors, and fake news that your child has heard, especially when it comes to alcohol and drinking underage. While in the car together, provide your kids with known facts, especially the “why” behind the legal drinking age of 21. These answers to some of the most popular questions about alcohol are helpful in knowing how to respond to keep the conversation going.
Model Safety and Share Decisions You Make Behind the Wheel
There is no shortage of safe decisions you must make when you get behind the wheel of your car. Your kids pick up on how you model safety through your behaviors and actions, so use your time in the car to talk about how you make safe decisions . Talking about the decisions you make as a driver to keep your family safe is also important for when they get their drivers’ licenses.
As kids grow up and start driving, the conversation about underage drinking shifts. It progresses beyond knowing alcohol is illegal to consume before the age of 21 and understanding how alcohol affects the developing brain to knowing what to do if they’re offered a sip, how to handle peer pressure, and having a plan to get home safely if they find themselves with friends who may be impaired.
Build Confidence by Role-playing Hypothetical Situations
Use car time to teach your kids to stay true to themselves and make healthy choices. It’s a great time to practice safe decision making by talking through hypothetical situations such as:
- You go to a friend’s house for sleepover and they start drinking. They offer you a cup. What do you say?
- You’re at a party and can tell someone has been drinking. You think they might need help but are afraid. What do you do?
- A friend gave you a ride to another friend’s house but find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Since you didn’t drive, how could you make your exit?
Being able to think through scenarios and develop responses together can be helpful, comforting, and confidence building. If kids have role-played different situations with you in the car, they’ll have more confidence when confronted with a predicament in real life. If they’ve practiced, most of the time peers will stop pressuring them to drink when they can respond with a confident “no.”
Even though the car has been a place that has worked well for me to discuss all kinds of topics with my kids, it’s also always ok to continue these conversations outside the car. Keep conversations developmentally appropriate and fact-based and remember, conversations about the effects of alcohol on the developing brain are important! They work to empower kids to say “YES” to a healthy lifestyle and “NO” to underage drinking.
Leticia Barr is an award-winning blogger at TechSavvyMama.com, former elementary and middle school teacher, and mom of two college students. She gladly relinquishes driving when her two kids are home from school and continues to enjoy conversations with them from the passenger seat. Leticia also serves as an Educational Advisory Board member for Responsibility.org.