Kids can struggle to put their feelings into words. If they can name their emotions, it’s easier to have a conversation. A resource like a feelings wheel can be used to help kids explore their emotions and describe the impact their emotions are having on them. Start with a basic emotion and use follow-up questions to help them identify the specific emotion they’re experiencing and why they might feel that way. Helping kids identify different emotional experiences provides an opportunity to emphasize that no emotions are “bad” or “good.” It’s best to start practicing this when everyone is calm.

In a child’s life, mental health is just as important as physical health, yet the stigma can cause misunderstanding and shame. Shame, hesitation, or uncertainty often prevents kids from speaking openly about mental health struggles and seeking help. By talking about mental health in the same way you would discuss physical health, you can normalize conversations about mental health and work to eliminate this stigma.

The language used when talking about mental health has a big impact on how your kid views mental health and their willingness to talk about it.

• Use appropriate language for your kid’s age and development.
• Avoid framing questions about mental health negatively. Instead of saying “what’s wrong?” lead with open-ended questions like “How are you feeling about…?” or “Tell me what happened today when…”
• Model using “I – statements” to describe your feelings. Instead of saying, “You don’t tell me anything,” say “I feel worried that I don’t know enough about how you’re feeling to keep you safe.”
• Choose language that helps kids understand their feelings and emotions are temporary. We want kids to know their feelings do not define who they are. Instead of saying, “You are angry,” say “I understand you feel angry” to emphasize anger is a passing feeling and not a permanent characteristic of who they are. You can model this in the way you talk about your own emotions and feelings.
• Challenge yourself to replace “but” with “and” when discussing mental health and emotions. The use of “but” can come across as dismissive when discussing emotional experiences. For example, instead of “I know it’s frustrating, but we need to leave now to be on time,” try “I can see that you’re frustrated and it is important that we talk about this when we have more time to explore what’s going on.”
• Be mindful that mental health conditions are often used to describe something or someone in a negative way. Rephrase language that might lead to misconceptions and cause stigmas around mental health. Also avoid making jokes referring to mental health conditions. Instead of saying “he’s crazy,” saying “he may be struggling with his mental health” is an example of more neutral and accurate language to describe an individual.

Having a conversation with a highly upset kid can be counterproductive. Psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry recommends instead of engaging in a conversation right away, it’s better to help kids regulate, relate, and reason. Here are his steps for helping them be ready to learn, think, and reflect.

• Regulate: When your kid is upset, they’re not able to reflect or discuss their emotions until they have calmed themselves. Help them regulate their emotions by approaching the situation calmly, giving them time to process their emotions and creating a comfortable space for them. If you’re finding yourself also becoming upset, take a break or have another adult step in.
• Relate: Talk to your kid calmly and help them feel seen and heard. Use active listening and acknowledge their emotions to help validate their feelings. As you listen, help them understand their feelings in a non-judgmental way. This can include repeating back to them the emotions they are expressing. For example, “It sounds like you are feeling really frustrated.” Let them know that negative emotions are normal.
• Reason: Once your kid’s emotions are regulated and you have helped validate how they feel, support them in understanding their feelings. Take time to discuss and role play ways they might react to similar situations in the future.

At this point, you can work to repair the situation and talk to them about expectations and consequences while reassuring them that you care about them. This helps model that once emotions are processed, we can all move forward in a positive manner.

Conversations about mental health should not be one-time occurrences. By continuing to talk about mental health with your kids, you are building trust and connections that make it easier for them to come to you with future concerns, issues and questions.

For more strategies on talking to kids about mental health, view Responsibility.org’s On Responsibility videos: