Tween Talks: Empowering Kids to Be Upstanders

When it comes to saying “YES” to a healthy lifestyle and “NO” to underage drinking and underage cannabis use. One meaningful way to build that confidence is to encourage them to be upstanders – people who support others and speak up when it matters. Empowering kids to be upstanders encourages them to stand up for themselves and helps their friends speak up too. 

Parents and caregivers can help build this confidence though simple conversations and a little role-playing. Here are a few practical ways to help kids become upstanders.   

Start by talking about the difference between a bystander and an upstander 

Chances are your kid knows what a bystander is but they can’t be an “upstander” if they’re not familiar with what it means to be one. Here’s the difference: 

• A bystander sees what is happening but does not step in. 

• An upstander takes a safe, helpful action – speaking up, supporting a friend, or asking a trusted adult for help when needed 

Show them how small actions can make a big difference 

If your kid finds themselves in a situation where their peers are choosing to drink alcohol or use cannabis underage, they might have the confidence to say “NO,” while a friend might be struggling. Your kid can make a difference by simply noticing a friend’s discomfort, checking in with them, suggesting they leave together, or getting help. A simple “Are you okay?” can make a difference and help someone feel less alone. 

Remind them it’s ok to be a quiet upstander 

Not all kids feel comfortable speaking up in front of a group, and that is okay. Let your kid know being a quiet upstander can be just as meaningful.   

A quiet upstander might support their friend in a more private way. This could mean noticing a friend’s discomfort and acknowledging it by sending a text or a DM to check in. A quiet upstander might also take action by suggesting to their friend that they leave together if they are in a place where risky behaviors—such as underage drinking—are taking place. The goal is to help in a way that feels safe and kind.  

Role play scenarios 

Role playing gives kids words they can reach for when a difficult moment or situation arises. Help kids build the confidence to say “NO” to underage drinking and underage cannabis use, support a friend, and get help when needed.  You might ask them “What could you do as an upstander in these situations?”  

• You’re invited to a sleepover at a friend’s house. You expected pizza and movies, but other friends brought alcohol. You feel pressured to drink and notice another friend is just as uncomfortable as you are. 

• Between classes, you walk into the bathroom and see some students smoking and pressuring your friend to smoke with them. Your friend catches your eye, and you can tell your friend wants your help getting out of the situation.  

• At the school dance, your friends want to sneak out to the field where they’ve hidden alcohol. They know you don’t want to drink, so they ask you to open a side door to let them back in. You want to hang out with your friends, but you also know that what they are doing is wrong and could get everyone in trouble.  

Make sure they know you have their back 

Kids need to know doing the right thing and helping others out of uncomfortable situations is important. Tell them clearly that you will always support them when they refuse alcohol or cannabis, help a friend, leave an unsafe situation, or reach out to a trusted adult.   

Being an upstander takes courage and leadership. It also helps kids see that resisting negative peer pressure is a strength. Their choices can encourage others to protect their health  by saying “NO” to underage drinking and cannabis use and “YES” to a healthy lifestyle.   

Empower your kids by starting a conversation, practicing a response, and reminding kids that they are never alone. Together, we can help them become upstanders, choose healthy, substance-free lives, and support their friends in doing the same.  

-The Ask, Listen, Learn Team